Almost 2 years since we heard Lexi's Diagnosis

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've posted anything on my sweet daughters blog, but I'm feeling very tender hearted and vulnerable tonight so I'm not sure what will come out of my mouth, plus it's almost 1am so that doesn't help. But I was on Facebook and there's this article being shared around http://smag31.com/facebook-bans-mother-posting-photos-new-born-son-born-severe-birth-defect/ . My niece posted this on my wall a few weeks ago, I just saw the photo of the parents with their son and remembered reading their story in 2012 when I was pregnant with Lexi and shortly after I found out about her diagnosis. Then tonight I was on Facebook and saw the story shared by a few others so I decided to actually click on the link. It was the same story, but this article had a video attached to it that I hadn't seen. Thinking no big deal, I watched the video. Big mistake! I was surprised at how much and how strongly watching that video brought so many of those feelings back from a year and half ago when I gave birth to Alexis. Then, without warning and to my surprise, I found myself getting angry. Through all my grieving I can't say I've really felt anger. When I was going through the pregnancy and in the months and so on after she was born I felt pain, loneliness, sadness, but at the same time I was filled with overwhelming peace, love, and joy, but never anger. But tonight...I felt that anger. It makes me angry that when I'm at school or meeting new people and they ask me how many kids I have, that I can't just happily say 3. I hate having to decide whether I'm going to say 2 or 3 depending on who I'm talking to or the situation. I hate having to make that choice.

 All I wanted to do while I watched the video was go back in time and hold my daughter again. I want to touch her cheek and kiss her nose. I want to curl her up in my arms. I still have hard time believing she'd be running around right now. It literally boggles my mind! In my head she's my eternal baby. It's so hard to envision her as any thing else.

I think another thing that struck at me tonight is that in 3 days it'll be exactly 2 years since her diagnosis. Looking back through the last 2 years, I can definitely say I'm a different person. I'm stronger, and more driven then ever. Those close to me know I'm running around like a mad women 24/7. If something needs to get done I do it. Sometimes I miss the days of just coming home from work and being lazy and watching TV. If I am watching TV, it's not very closely cause I'm either working on a project or homework. Which to enlighten the mood I received my acceptance letter last week for the APN Nursing Program at my local college, which I am absolutely ecstatic (and super nervous) about! This is a huge goal and a HUGE accomplishment for me. Going to school after Alexis birth was the best thing for me. I have grown so much and am so grateful for it. I'm so excited for my future and what it has in store for me. I am so grateful for my family and many amazing and wonderful friends I have. But even though life is good and I'm extremely happy, there is still a pain and I think that pain was brought out to the surface tonight. It doesn't come out to the surface as often anymore. I still think about her everyday, but it's usually not painful. But tonight was pain and it came on strong, but I think that's okay. I love all my children more then anything in the world. And just want to be the best mom I can be for them. And I know Alexis is in Heaven watching over us and I can't wait until we can meet her again.

Sorry for the partially depressing post. I actually feel much better now that I've got my feelings out. My husband and kids are asleep and I just didn't know where else to turn. But I do want to share my family pictures with Lexi Bear that we took last fall. They turned out amazing and I just love them!