Lexi's Headstone Finished = One Great Day!

Two months ago, I checked my e-mail and noticed I had a comment on my blog from someone I didn't know. Inside this message was a mother. Her and her husband had been touched by our story and wanted to extend there helping hand and help us get a permant marker for Lexi's grave. That morning my eyes filled with tears and floods of emotion. I almost thought, this can't be real, and it wouldn't really happen. Heavenly Father had seen my tears, heard my cries, and listened to my prayers and knew this was something I needed. So he sent me an answer to my prayers through this loving family. I don't know the Groat's, but I will never forget them and I will be forever grateful for them! The very next week after I got the e-mail I found my self of Utah Monument ordering Lexies headstone. Something that just days earlier I thought would take 2,3,5, maybe 8 or more years, but it wasn't going to be any time soon. And just late last week it was finished and delivered to the cemetary!! 

Lexi's headstone is beautiful and perfect and I am SO happy!

Thank you will never seem like enough, but "THANK YOU GROAT FAMILY"

Hopefully by your shining example I can pay it forward some day!

With the holiday's comming up, it couldn't have been more of a perfect time to have Lexi's Headstone completed!

Josh and I's immediate family who was in town and able to come helped share this special day with us. Today Lexi would be 4months old! I wanted family to be a part of the special day, so I brought some chalk and had those who were there sign the cement around lexis marker. I also got flowers that had purple and my family wore purple. Purple is a symbol of Lexi. It's her special color! Every single time I see purple I think of my little Angel!

I think the chalk added a wonderful touch! Wish it would stay on forever, but that's okay, cause the kids and I will make lots of visits and redecorate it every time :) Something I'll never get board of!

Happy First Halloween Alexis!

Halloween I think is one of those holiday's you can be a little silly and just have some fun. Paige had Josh buy these silly glasses at walmart a couple of weeks ago, so one morning the kids and I were playing with the glasses and being silly with one another when the kids got the idea to put a pair of the glasses on Lexi Bear! I thought it was a great idea and the kids thought it was SO funny! We giggled and laughed and alexis got to enjoy that moment with us. Later on that night I was tired of studying for my math placement test that I'll be taking soon so I got on picmonkey and spookified our silly pictures we took that morning! My kids LOVE this picture! They think it's so silly and scary and fun! I think Lexi Bear turned out awesome! hehe!

Then yesterday my husband and I took the kids to pick out some pumpkins. Each kid picked out there own and they both helped me pick one out for Alexis. We agreed on getting a small pumpkin, because it resembles how little lexi was.

The kids had SO much fun painting they're pumpkins! I was going to carve them, but it's still too early to carve and of course I couldn't find my carving tools and the kids didn't want to wait. So I dug into my closet and pulled out anything crafty I had and whala, the kids LOVED the paint! They LOVED making a mess too :) And the pic in the top left corner, you can notice Landen was trying to eat the paint too. Luckly he had washed off all the paint, but it had nasty paint water on it, so I had to take his brush away shortly after that, but he was having the time of his life if you can't tell. :) I got the honor of painting lexi's pumpkin. I found a flower so I glued it on top. I asked the kids what color of eyes they thought lexi would have had, they said brown so I gave her brown eyes. Then I asked them what color of hair they think she would have had and after a few responses we settled with brown hair as well. I think she turned out pretty cute!

After the pumpkins dried we were headed to Grandma Tanners for sunday dinner. Grandmas house is very close to the cemetary, and it was a beautiful day, so we decided it was the perfect day to take our pumpkins and show them to lexi and take pictures, and of course Lexi Bear had to come with us too.

Landen had fallen asleep in the car and he's a super grouch if you wake him up, but both Josh and I wanted him to be awake and be apart of this. So at first I just put him in my lap, tried to wake him up and as expected he started to get up set and throw himself about, but then he opened his eyes and saw Lexi's temperary marker with her picture. The second he saw it, his eyes beamed up and he got a HUGE smile on his face and goes, "Look Mom it's Lexi" Then he stood up and picked up her marker and continued to have a huge smile on his face and was super happy the rest of the time we were there. As we were leaving he looked out the window and yelled, "Bye Lexi, I miss you" This little 2 1/2 year old continues to amaze me. He loves his little sister and I hope he'll carry that special bond and love for her all his life. 

 

It seems like I've been to the cemetary alot lately, which I have. But it's a place I feel closest to her and feel undenying peace. I want our visits to her grave to be happy ones and good memories. Showing lexi our pumpkins today as a family and taking pictures, was a very special and very good day!

Happy Halloween from The Hammond Family

3 Months

I can't believe today is the day that Lexi would have turned 3 months old. It's crazy to think that three whole months has gone by. As I've been thinking about her a lot today it made me want to look back at when my other two kids were 3months old and I found these two pictures. The first on the left was when my oldest Paige was three months and the one on the right is my adorable little man Landen at 3months old. They grow so much in such a sort time.

It also makes me think and wonder what Alexis would be like right now and what she would look like. And I wish I could see her smiles and listen to her laughter and feel her gentle touch. But instead of doing those things I went to the monument place yesterday and checked on how her headstone is comming along. They were a little behind because of a death in their own family, but they said her headstone should be at the cemetary in 2-3 more weeks. It's comming along great and I can't wait to see it finished. We visited the cemetary the other day and Paige said she wanted to talk to Lexi so she got our of the car with me and was saying hello to her sister. We were just doing a short visit that day, because they had replanted new grass on her spot and I wanted to see how it was comming along. So I told Paige it was time to go back to the car and from my eye's Paige was just playing in the dirt. I yell "come on paige, stop playing in the dirt, we gotta go" Then Paige replies "But MOM I'm drawing Lexi a picture." My heart then softened and I let Paige finish "drawing" her picture for Lexi.

I've known this day was approaching and I knew I wanted to blog about my feelings, but I've had a hard time finding the words or knowing the right thing to say. These recent weeks I've been yearning and missing my baby girl more then anything. I'de do anything to just hold her again. Which I know I will beable to thanks to my knowledge of eternal families and the gospel I have in my life, but it doesn't take away the pain and want I feel now. My Lexi bear helps in those moments because I can hold her, but it's not the same. I know I need to continue to pray for my Heavenly Fathers strength to surpass this pain and focus on the many things I am grateful for and have right in front of me. I read a story recently in the Ensign October 2012 issue (a magazine the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day-Saints issues) and it was called Good things keep on coming by Caitlin A. Rush. The phrase that stuck out to me was "As someone who regrets the present turning so quickly into the past, I was grateful for the reminder to simply enjoy the moment and look to the future." Also, "Change is the Lord's way. He wants us to be happy and growing, to be excited to move on with our lives. Life is a journey, and while still enjoying the present and preparing for inevitable challenge's, we must move forward, remaining optimistic, our hearts open to the experiences and good things that are undoubtedly on their way."

This was something I needed to hear. I've felt like I've been stuck, mentally. Dwelling on the past and having a hard time moving forward. Even though I've physically been moving forward, by going back to work, and I just enrolled to start college in the spring to pursue my future. I feel days are just comming and going by a blinking of an eye and Alexis is disappearing. Not in my heart because she's constantly there, but everybody else just seems to be able to move forward and I have felt just so stuck. I don't like the present turning so quickly into the past. I want it to stay here longer. But change does have to happen and I know my Heavenly Father wants me to grow and be happy. Moving forward isn't going to mean I care about Lexi any less. So I need to continue with the journey, move forward and be optimistic because I know Heavenly Father will bless me and good things will keep on coming. 

Picking out Lexi's Headstone

Starting this blog and sharing my story has blessed me time and time again. I've made a new friend and been able to help her (i hope;)) with preparing for the day her baby was going to be born with the same condition to now having to go through the pain and emotions after they're gone. I've also been touched by another complete stranger who came across my blog and read my story and was inspired to message me and tell me her and her husband wanted to help Josh and I to be able to get a headstone for Lexi. She was an answer to my prayers. Because of her and her husbands generosity I was able to go and pick out Lexi's headstone this week. I was so happy and excited, but wasn't quite sure where to begin. I don't have any experience in this department, which is a good thing, but this is truly a big decision and a really tough one. In your mind you just want it to be perfect.

So I started with the basics. I knew I had to get a flat marker because of the plot we picked out for lexi. I started looking online at grass markers. A lot of the stuff I saw online some looked kinda I duno the right word, but it wasn't fitting for me personally. I originally wanted to put her photo on it, but I was told on the flat markers they get run over by the lawn mower and the cemetarty doesn't like them particuarly because then there responsible to relace them. Another place showed me a way they do it that they shouldn't break, but I duno if she was just trying to sale me on it because thats the vibe I was getting (I'm in sales so I can kinda tell) And it was just extra money, so I decided to go with something different. If I was doing a upright one, I probably would have done a pic though. A friend from my Angel Watch group told me to call my cemetary and see what they do and they should be able to give me numbers of other places locally. When I called my cemetary he just told me they don't do anything with flat markers, he told me I could order locally or from somewhere else. When I asked what if I order online he started telling me the rules and at the point I didn't want to write any of it down, so finding a local monument place was my answer. I found two here in St. George. After visiting and asking questions to both, like costs, what kind of designs can you do, what type of stone to use, ect. I chose to go with the family owned business of Utah Monument. When they helped me they just seemed like they truly cared about me and my little girl and they were more personable. A dad and son helped me, the fathers mother had just passed away last week and she was the one who started this business and they just seemed more passionate about there work and what they do in honor of her. The other place was nice, but I felt a little more pressure and more like they were trying to get me to choose what they wanted me to choose and they were more pricey.

Anyway I did that driving around on Teusday. Wednesday Josh and I made are decision who to use and I knew what I wanted to do and went back to Utah Monument to place the order and make it happen. I also have to say Thank you to my mom and dad. They made it possible so we could add on a metal flower vase that will be in the cement above her marker in the center so we can bring lexi flowers a little easier. After placing my order I left and out of no where my emotions were started to go haywire. There was something different about just looking around and asking questions, to actually ordering the headstone. It made the reality sink in again and made me very emotional. Let's just say I was sobbing like a little girl. Mostly from a mix of emotions. Missing Lexi and wishing she was here, but so greatful and happy I could do this little piece of the puzzle which is much needed for a grieving mother, and stress with just the everyday life and how the economy is right now. It just all hit me at once.

But I survived that night and the next morning I go a call from Utah Monument. They said the design could take a week and then bam they call me the next day and say well your designs ready! The son told he actually started working on it the moment I left. They have a lot going on with how his grandmother just passed away and his dad's busy and of course it got them a little behind, so since he was waiting for his dad on some bigger projects he had the perfect opening to stay busy and work on mine. I wasn't disappointed at all. I was happy to go in and see how the design came together.

Here's a pic of the design.

I love how it turned out! It's pretty much how I pictured it. Everything on it has lots of meaning to us. And here's how I got my inspiration.

As some of my facebook friends know this is a necklace my sister inlaw Becca gave me. It say's A Moment A Our Arms, A Lifetime in our Hearts and there's baby footprints in the middle. So I shorted that saying to Moment in our arms, Forever in our hearts. And for the footprints on there I took a copy of Lexi's foot prints and they outlined it so it's her actual size.

For her name I had to throw "Lexi" in there because that's what we always call her. Just like her bear is Lexi bear.

Then I wanted Christ or something on there if I could and most clipart wasn't my favorite, then I just happened to get so lucky that Utah Monument had this exact image. It was on Lexi's program and I had a larger image in my home, so it was Perfect!!!

Then last but not least I had them put Josh & Amber's Angel. My same friend from Angel Watch had something like that on her little girls headstone and it was just perfect. That's exactly what lexi is to us. When we talk to our kids we talk about how she's our Angel. So it was perfect!!

They said they should have the stone done in a week, but then they have to put the cement around it and the flower hole and so it takes about a month to get to the cemetary! But they will call me next week when the engraving is done. I'm excited to see how it turns out!

And a question to anyone that may know this. If you walk around the cemetary you see how dirty these precious stones can get, with the hard water and heat and all. Utah Monument told me when it's new putting baby oil on it can help with the hard water and just trying to make sure you remember to keep doing that every once and awhile. Does anyone else have any suggestions or know how to keep these things clean the best you can?

2 Months

 

 

Has it really been 2 months since the day I said hello and goodbye (for now) to my little Angel. I had to double check the calendar because I just can't believe that much time has already gone by. Reflecting back on the last two months I can say for the most part I'm happy. I'm a better mother and enjoy my children and apprechiate them so much more. In just the last week Josh and I have grown much closer to one another. He's been my anchor whenever I'm down. And I just love him so much. After going through this trial together and me returning back to work with new hours we don't really see eachother much till the weekend comes. This has made it so the time we do spend together is special and we really enjoy being around one another.

I've also gained some new friendships that I'm grateful for. And it has brought me closer to my ward family. I have loved my neighbors and ward since the moment we moved into our house a few years ago. Going through this has showed me that the people I thought were amazing are just even more amazing then I thought. They have been there for me and I'm so grateful for that.

One of the biggest changes I've faced though is my sleeping pattern is completely out of wack. I'll be tired, but I just lay there thinking for hours, either about lexi or stress and can't get my head to turn off so I can get some rest. But most days my kids will let me sleep in, and now that I'm working the closing shift I haven't really made an effert to effectively change my bad sleeping habits. I'm getting enough sleep so I can still function so I guess that's good for now.

I did want to write down about a few hard moments I had. The first one was actually when I was still pregnant with Lexi and it was a few weeks before I had Lexi. I had asked my mom to go shopping with me to find a sports bra (to help with the lactation after I had lexi) and I didn't want to go alone. I pretty much avoided shopping all together for the most part because it was hard walking through the baby clothes. The one day I did buy her things was okay, but other times when I knew I wouldn't need any of that stuff it was hard to see it and occationaly now I'll glance at the little girl baby clothes and have to walk away because it hurts to much. But on this day we went to JC Penny's first, I didn't quite find what I was looking for and wanted to do some more looking. So then we walked into Motherhood, I had been there a few times in the past when I was pregnant with my other two children and I remembered they had bras. I knew they had nursing bras, but I figured they might have a good sports bra to. So my mom and I walk in and we spot a sports bra so I'm checking it out when the sales clerk walks up to me and asks if we need help finding anything. I usually say no, but today I said yes I'm looking for a tight sports bra that will be comfortable to wear after I have my baby to help with lacation since I won't be nursing. And this is how she responds in a not very nice tone, "Why are you looking at nursing bras when your not even going to nurse?" I was dumbfound that that was her response. It came across that she was judgeing me for not choosing to nurse my baby and I was completely offended. After my mouth dropped open she say's "Well, you won't find anything here your going to have to go some where else." Really? Is that really how you treat your customers. I was just so shocked. The bra I was looking at I really did want to try on, I didn't care if it was for nursing, I still could have wore it, but after her responses I just walked out and left and honestly I don't think I'll ever go back to the store again. She really should have just said, "I'm sorry all we have are nursing bras, but you can try on one like this if you like and see if it's comfortable or you can check out penny's or sears and they may have what your looking for." That wouldn't have offended me one bit. That sales clerk didn't know my situation and had no right to judge me and basicly kick me out of her store because I was looking at nursing bras, but wasn't going to nurse.

But that wasn't the end of it, so then I go to Sears. I found I bra that I settled on and went to check out. I know Sears has there little sales pitch for there credit cards and I've heard it numerous times and it's no big deal, I'm in sales so I get it. But this sales clerk took it to far. Maybe I was on ice from just leaving Motherhood, but anyway she does her initial do you have a sear card? No I don't. If you get one you can save $10 today. No thanks, I'm using a gift card today anyway and I don't shop here enough for it to benefit me so no thank you. This is were most stop and just check you out, but she kept going....Yeah, but it could save you a lot of money for when you getting all your baby stuff. I was still polite, no thanks I won't need it. Then she offered something else I don't remember what it was, and at this point I wanted to yell, "My babies going to die, okay I don't need it!!!" But I held it in then she finally checked me out because my mom saw me getting bothered and stepped by me, then she still ended it with putting the information for me in the bag incase I change my mind. Anyway, the lady was pushing way to hard and I got so super annoyed and upset, and the second I walked into the parking lot I broke down in my moms arms. And then I knew why I was avoiding going out shopping while my belly was so obvious. At most places I would just smile and say yes it's a girl, I'm due in August, and all those normal answers to questioning strangers and that didn't bother me to much.

Since I've had her it's still hard occationally. I went into my doctors office to give him a thank you card and lexi's birth/death announcement and to give him a pic of him and lexi my photographer took. It was me and my two other kids. I knew it would feel weird walking in to the doctors office having just had a baby 4 weeks ago and comming in with no baby, but I prepared my self for that. And it did it felt very strange and I felt uncomfortable. Then since I was there I decided schedule my post pardom 6 week check up. So I go to the front desk to the girl that always helps me. She's always very nice. I tell her I need to schedule an appointment and she inicently responds "Will this be for you or the baby?" I was suprised at the response my body had. That little innocent sentence stung so bad. I hurried and responded just me, then looked over at my other two kids playing. Got my appointment scheduled and hurry and got out of there before I broke down in the waiting room. Luckily I made it to the door before the tears came flooding in.

Now that it's been a couple of months and since I publicly share this blog there's times I go out and see people look at me. Most of the time no ones probably really looking at me for any paticular reason, but sometimes with the looks it makes me wonder if my flys undone, if theres something in my teeth, if theres a burger hanging out of my nose, or if they just recognize me and know I'm the girl that's baby just died. Sometimes I want a sign on my back that say's, "Yes I'm the one who's baby just died." It's not always like that, people are so kind and I know they just probably don't know me personally and I know they probably don't know what to say. But if you see me out and about and know my story, even if I don't know you, I'd love to know that you know me and that you've read my story. It would be easier for me if you just came up to me and said Hi, my name is so and so. I've read your story about your baby girl. Then whatever else you may want to add to that. It'll just help me out so I know I'm not standing there looking funny with my fly down or something ;) I love talking about my little Angel. So please don't be afraid to talk to me about her or ask questions. I promise I don't bite :) I love my little Angel so much and talking about her helps me and makes me feel good. And hearing her story touch someone elses life makes me feel really good too.

I just felt I should say those things, because I'm a very real and honest person and maybe these stories will help others know how to react to someone elses situation. Of course there are women who don't want to talk about there loved one that died, but I think for the most part we all apprechiate the acknowledgement that our Angel is a part of our family forever and they aren't just a moment to be forgotten, they are also a life that deserved to be celebrated no matter how short it was.  

 

Dear Lexi,

 

I love you Alexis now and forever. I think about you and miss you everyday. But I think you already know that. I hope your Great Grandma and Grandpa Walker and your Great Grandpa Tanner are spoiling you rotten and taking care of you until I get to return to you some day. You've brought so much good into my life and changed me forever and I thank you for that. Your brother and sister also love you dearly and love visiting you at the cemetary and giving your picture kisses. Your daddy also loves you and misses you. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. I feel so honored and bless to have such a special spirit in my life.

 

Love,

Mom

My new dear friend....

Hey family and friends. Through my experience, from the very beginning I always said I wanted to reach out and help others in some way who are going through the samething or similar thing that I went through. And I hoped my blog would be a positive thing for them where they could feel the love we had for Lexi and the strength she's given my family. I mentioned before a friend of mine had a friend who had a friend whos going through the same thing I did just a short time ago and of course still going through. I've been able to talk to this mother Breanne, and I haven't told her this, but she's also been a strength for me. Reading her blog and stories remind me so much of myself just a short few months ago. She is also very strong and an amazing mother and person. If it hadn't been for Lexi I would have never been introduced to her. She's scheduled to bring her little Joy into this world on this week on Sept 20th. I just ask if your able to please keep Breanne and her family in your thoughts and prayers this week. I know it was all the prayers I got that helped give me strength and helped me feel the peace, love, comfort and strength that I felt on the day Lexi was born. Thank you so much for your continued support! And Breanne my thoughts and prayers are with you always! I can't wait till you get to meet your special angel!

If you would like to read her story her blog is http://ourjourneywithjoy.blogspot.com/.

Missing Lexi

Today started out like any normal day. My niece texted me and we took our kids to the Toddler Time at the library at 11am. I had fun. I'm glad I got my butt out of bed and went. I'll definitely be doing it more. Then it was time to take Paige to preschool. We were about to Paige's preschool and then Paige looks up from her "Where's Waldo" book she got from the library and goes, "Mom, what happened to Lexi's brain?" I was takin a little off guard and just responded with a simple answer that it didn't grow, so it didn't work. She responds, "but my brain grew, and Landens grew, and yours grew too huh? So were alive." I just told her yes thats correct. Then she sighs and goes, "Mom....I miss her a lot." I respond, "I miss her a lot too sweetie, do you think about her a lot." And Paige say's "YES I think about her AAALLLOOOOOT!! I think really really hard." And then I was about to loose it, but kept my tears inside cause we were now at her preschool. Once she saw her school she was distracted and happy again, because she loves school and just told me she loved me and hopped out the car and went into school. The moment she was out of my sight, I couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down. I was happy to know that Paige does think about her sister a lot and remembers her and loves her just like I do, but I was sad that I couldn't change what happened and I couldn't bring her little sister back to wipe away her sadness.

I do really good most of the time. I'm back to work so I'm super busy. But at unexpected moments is when it gets hard. I'm on a short break at work so I can't write more, but I just needed to write this down for Paige to remember and to have. Thanks for listening and letting me share these feelings with you.

House Decorations

My house has high cieling and used to have a whole lotta bare walls. Just didn't have a whole lot of things to cover them with. Now I have lots of stuff. Lexi kind of rules the house right now for a little bit, but I think that's okay.

The right is the front door entrance then opens up to my living room.

Special wall dedicated to just Lexi.

My dining room. Pictures of my other two adorable kids!

These flowers are dried flowers I took out of different flower arrangements that I got at Lexi's funeral and stuff. I love how it turned out and greatful to always have these special flowers with me!

My living room

The entertainment center. Used to have nothing on it! Now it's full. The blank frame on the left now has a pic of lexi in it, just didn't have the pic at the time. Then I have a baby pic of Paige and Landen up there also!

Love this! Lots of great memories of the last 8 years and now! Right now Lexi takes over this table as well! :)

Above my kitchen sink. All arrangements and plants I got from special friends and family. I'm nervous though cause I'm a plant killer, but they're beautiful!

This is one of my favorite things hanging on my wall. I got it from family and just had to put a pic of Lexi inside. I love it!

Lexi Bear

While I was pregnant Carolyn from my Angel Watch support group told me to have a special blanket or something that I would wrap Lexi in that I could then mail to her and she would make it into a teddy bear for my children and I to have and to hold whenever we needed. The picture above is the special blanket my mom bought that we wrapped lexi in that day and then later sent to Carolyn.

About 2 weeks later, the teddy bear arrived! We went to Rose's (social worker/angel watch rep in st. george) office to pick it up! We let Paige open up the box :)

Paige was so happy to see the bear. She instantly named it Lexi Bear! Which I thought was a perfect fit!

Landen was excited too, even though he looks funny here :)

We were all happy to have Lexi back with us in a special way.

Carolyn let me pick a message for the back of the bear. I had it read For my sister and brother Paige and Landen Alexis Ann 7/18/2012

This bear has been a major comforter many nights now. The first week or two I got it I probably slept with it every single night. It was amazing what comfort that little teddy bear could bring. It just felt good to have something of hers to hold in my arms and tuck under my arm to go to sleep at night when I was having a rough night. I don't sleep with it everynight anymore. I've been doing better, but I love that she's here whenever I have those times that I just need something to hold!

Thank you Carolyn! You are amazing and this gift if priceless!



Visiting Lexi at the Cemetary

I try to visit Alexis often. Most the time we stop and visit her on sunday afternoons on my way to or from my parents house on Sunday's since she's close to my parents house. It's hard going there sometimes, but other times if feels good to be there. I was out of town last sunday and we didn't go today, so now it's been a few weeks since I've been to the cemetary, which now feels like forever. But I wanted to write down a sweet story of what happend when we visited her a couple of weeks ago...

It was a Sunday evening and my daughter Paige had gotten a CTR (Choose the Right) bracelet from church that day that she was showing off to everybody. So the first thing she did when we got to the cemetary was she ran right up to lexi's tempary marker we have (not sure when we'll get a real one, can't afford one right now :( but hopefully it won't be forever till we can get one) Anyway, Paige runs up to her picture and say's "Hi Lexi, look at my new bracelet" And she was all smiles and giggles. Then Landen runs up behind Paige and also greets and say's "Hi Lexi, Love you" It melted my heart. We all told her hello and that we love her and miss her, then I sat down on the bench near by and was just watching my children. They were laughing and playing with one another, then Landen tripped by Lexi's grave and Paige goes, "Landen, Lexi tripped you" then they both started to laugh. I asked them if they were playing with they're little sister and they both said yes! Even though they know they're sister is dead, she still lives with in them and they still love her the same as if she was right there next to them in body and spirit. That melts my heart. After they were playing Landen kneeled down infront of Lexi's picture, grabbed the marker in both his hands, bent forward as low as he could and gave his baby sister a great big kiss!!! My children are amazing and I love them so much!

Alexis Ann's Funeral July 20th 2012

The morning of Lexi's funeral started out rough. My milk had come in and now my body was feeling the physical pain along with the emotional. But besides that the morning was peaceful and it was a beautiful day. I decided to do a graveside service for Lexi, right at the cemetary. While I was pregnant in the final weeks I worked on the prep work and planning for the services. I'm greatful I did that planning, though difficult, ahead of time because I had everything pretty much together and didn't have to do much for the actual service sence I had so much support and help from my sisters, sister in-laws and wonderful women from my ward in my church I attend. A week or so before I had lexi I let these wonderful women know what I needed and what ideas I had for the services and with there service and help they helped make it happen. There was a special song I wanted song and so my Relief Society president and visiting teacher helped me find some one to sing it. I wanted balloons for my two children to let go and they had someone in our ward who does balloons and she took care of that for me. And my amazing sister in law, josh's sister Tirsah, extended her wonderful talent of decorating with me. I gave her the ideas I had and poems and sayings I wanted and she ran away with it and made it all come together so beautifully and perfectly. And thank you so much to Josh's other sisters and family members that helped Tirsah also make it all possible. I couldn't have had such a beautiful service with out all the support and help I had from those around me. So thank you so much!

The display was breathtaking. When I drove up in my car it was the first thing I saw and I instantly felt spirit and love that was at the grave site.

The pink frame is the first verse to "Families can be together forever" primary song from the LDS Childrens song book. The frame with lexie's hand and foot prints is a beautiful poem a women in my ward wrote about a beautiful baby she had years ago still born and shared it with me. In the big black frame in the middle is a poem I found online that'd I'de like to share with you. It reads...

Angel in Heaven

There's a special Angel in Heaven

that is a part of me.

It is not where I wanted her

but where God wanted her to be.

She was here but just a moment

like a nighttime shooting star.

And though she is in heaven

she isn't very far.

She touched the hearts of many

like only an Angel can do.

We held her every minute

for the end we all knew.

So I send this special message

to the Heaven up above.

Please take care of my Angel

and send her all of my love.

-Author Unknown

This is the other table we had displayed. On the right side by the picture of Josh and Lexi I had them display a poem the hospital gave me. It reads...

A Father's Grief

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult

To be a man of grief

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test.

And field the calls and visitors

So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright

And what she's going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, how are you?"

He hears her cry in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

And dries her tears and comforts her

But "Stays Strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave-

He lost his baby too.

This special blanket was used to take some pictures of Lexi at the hospital and was made special for her by a wonderful women in my ward who also many many years ago lost her own baby to Trisomy 13.

These are the precious molds of lexi's hands and feet that the hospital did for me. I love the separation inbetween her big and second toe, she gets that from me and and my dad's side of the family :)

My sister in law Rachel took many of these pictures at the funeral for me. She captured the display so beautifully. Pictures also from this post are from my sister Traci. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have any pictures. I took my camera to the hospital and to the funeral, but didn't take one single picture. You have so much going on, your not going to be thinking to snap pictures. So if your going through this plan ahead and designate people to take photos for you. Even if at the time you don't think you want pictures because it would be to hard to bare, I will still encourage you to have someone take pictures for you. You don't have to look at them right away if you don't want to, but days, weeks, months, or years down the road when your mind is foggy and you just can't remember, atleast you would have those photos to go back to to remember, when your ready to do so. I wouldn't want you to regret it later on in life. I've heard many stories of this happening to people and I can say I do not regret not once all the amazing photos and memories I have still because of these photos.

Just beautiful

Daddy carrying his baby girl, for the last time. A very special moment.

It was incredible, the sun was covered, but the exact moments Josh was carrying lexi and set her down it was like the heavens opened up and the sun was extremely bright and blazing on us. It was so bright and hot I instantly started sweating. But then a little while later after the opening prayer an over cast came in, so we could enjoy the services more comfortably even though it was still hot. But it stayed that way the rest of the time we were there.

The funeral director placing the flowers on lexi's casket. Flowers provided by Josh's loving family!

The bishop of my church conducted the services for us.

A picture of the inside of her program. McMillan Mortuary also took care of this for us.

The people that showed up to show us our love and support was amazing. Thank you.

My little brother was so nice to accept when I asked him if he could play his guitar and sing "Families can be together forever." He gladly excepted even though I know he was nervous. He hasn't really played in front of a big group and had to learn the song in just a couple of days. And the heat and humidity of St. George put his guitar out of key. So it was a little rough on him to start out, but he still did great. I know it's not an easy task to do that while your hot, emotional, and nervous. But thank you so much Tyson, your an amazing uncle for doing that for lexi. Love you!

The words to the song, first verse is...

1. I have a famly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

[Chorus]
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

After Tyson, my father, Lexi's Grandpa spoke for us.

I would like to share his talk with you....

None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges--and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened.

However, we are told, "Adam fell that men might be: and men are, that they might have joy."

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: "Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."

This world will bring upon us all many sorts of trials thru no fault of our own, maybe that is why we may be tempted to cry out "why me". It is for these times of great sorrow, pain and despair that we must exercise our faith in Jesus and pray for him to send us the Comforter.

A young mother, after having her first baby die at birth related,

Often I would sit down on the couch and cry, or fling myself on my bed and fall into a deep sleep, an escape from my fatigue and sorrow. I had not prayed in weeks, because expressing how I felt was so painful. Finally, deeply troubled by my grief, I reached out to the Lord in prayer. I wept and prayed for him to send the Comforter to end my misery.

The answer did not come immediately. But the despair I felt eased remarkably during the following weeks as I accepted the death of my baby and felt renewed faith flowing into my heart. My despair was replaced by a feeling of peace and calm, and with it my perspective on life altered dramatically. Things that would have bothered me prior to that summer seemed unimportant. The urgency to do this or that no longer tugged at me. It was as if by accepting death I had caught a glimpse of eternity beyond mortal life. I was drawn to read the third chapter of Ecclesiastes over and over again. My mind opened, and I understood,

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven;

"A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

"A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;.." [Eccl. 3:1-4]

I felt that time was not meant to be measured by a clock or a calendar; these things were merely tools to help us in our daily existence. Rather, time was meant to be marked by the significant events in our lives, both sad and happy. It is our lot to endure hardship when it comes and realize that this too shall pass. Waiting for the woulds to heal is, perhaps, the hardest part of all. What is significant is how well we succeed in enduring, and what we learn from the experience.

We were blessed with parenthood after five years of marriage. Our son Daniel was born in September of 1980, and Matthew was born August 1984. Both are normal, healthy boys. I know John and I are better parents because we lost our first child. We are more appreciative, more playful, more joyful, and more loving as a mother and a father. I am eternally thankful to the Lord for giving us these beautiful spirits to care for. I have become closer to my family, and I have become closer to the Lord; I am grateful for all the love and strength He gave me during that time. In surviving grief, going to work, and becoming a parent, I learned that joy can indeed emerge out of sorrow--in a wonderful variety of ways.

The words Joseph Smith are a comfort to those who have lost little ones,

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

Joseph Smith Jr., Teaching of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (1976), 196-97

His talk was perfect. Love you Dad!

After his amazing talk, Melissa from my ward sang a song for so beautifully. When preparing and looking for ideas online about infant graveside services I some how became lucky enough to come across a specially written version of "I am a Child of God" This is not the normal version that's sung all around the world and I have to idea who wrote this special version, but it was beautiful and perfect. I had it written on the back of the program.

Her voice was amazing and the words touched everyone there.

It was the first time I heard it sung and it couldn't have been more perfect.

After the song Josh got up and dedicated the grave. It was very touching and emotional. He did a wonderful job.

Very last we had Paige and Landen let go off three balloons each, they represent Lexi's special colors pink, purple and white.

My kids absolutely LOVE balloons. I was so afraid they would want to let them go. But before the servies I told them about the balloons and told them we weren't going to play with them, but they were special balloons. They were for Lexi, so when I told them when we were going to let the balloons go and float up to Heaven to be with baby sister. They said okay and were excited, but I didn't know if they would really do it when the time came.

But they proved me wrong. They did exactly what I told them to do. We counted to 3 and let the balloons go, paige let her's go first, then helped us count for landen.

It was such a special moment and the kids LOVED it and like to talk about it and look at the pictures. I've decided to make it a tradition that every year on Lexi's Birthday we will take balloons to her grave and release them to Heaven. And if we move or something cause you never know what life will bring and we can't make it to her grave, it's still something we could do at home in remembrance of her.

After the balloons, Paige went right to Lexi's casket and told her she loved her and gave her a big kiss! Such a good big sister!

Thank you to everyone who came to support me and my family.

I have the best family anyone could ask for.

A special moment my sister in-law Rachel caught on camera. I love it! Sisters Forever side by side!

Love this picture captured of my neices.

This women is amazing. She gave me incredible support through my journey and made my experience at the hospital a great one. You've heard her name before, she's Rose the social worker at the hospital down here in St. George. At the time Angel Watch my support group didn't have a representative down here to do face to face visits with so we just contacted eachother by phone and emails, which Carolyn you were amazing and helped me so much and I'll be forever greatful for you and your time, but Rose annouced to me at the funeral that she was offically now apart of Angel Watch and will be the representative in St. George, so now future moms down here will have that extra face to face support. I think that's incredible!

Love you Sis!

The mortuary also provided a sign in book for me. I thought that was great! This is my neice signing in, so cute!

We love you baby girl!

Me and my mom. She gives me great strength!

Josh and his mom. Judy your amazing and I thank you so much for making lexi's burial dress. So special!

Beautiful!

My sister Traci, her husband Mike and there adorable twin boys I love so much!

My dad, mom and little brother Tyson.

My oldest sister Jenn and her sweet daughters.

My older brother steven, his wife becca and there 3 kids.

Missing you...

My Grandma, Lexi's Great Grandma.

Sisters forever!

All my siblings where there to support me. Unbelievable, I love you guys so much!

My husbands from a family of 9 kids. He has 6 sisters and 2 brothers and we're scattered about, but all 6 sisters and his mother where there to support him. That's some amazing sisters! Josh and I are greatful for all of you and love you all so much!

Greatest blessing in this life is our family!

And we are blessed to have some of the greatest!

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

Thank you for capturing this last shot Rachel. (you weren't ease dropping, I love it) Everything had been cleaned up and it was just Josh and I have our last moments talking about how wonderful our little girl is!

Love this picture. This was the front of my program. And my sister in law got me the photo enlarged, that I now have hanging on my wall. Such a beautiful thing!