3 Months

I can't believe today is the day that Lexi would have turned 3 months old. It's crazy to think that three whole months has gone by. As I've been thinking about her a lot today it made me want to look back at when my other two kids were 3months old and I found these two pictures. The first on the left was when my oldest Paige was three months and the one on the right is my adorable little man Landen at 3months old. They grow so much in such a sort time.

It also makes me think and wonder what Alexis would be like right now and what she would look like. And I wish I could see her smiles and listen to her laughter and feel her gentle touch. But instead of doing those things I went to the monument place yesterday and checked on how her headstone is comming along. They were a little behind because of a death in their own family, but they said her headstone should be at the cemetary in 2-3 more weeks. It's comming along great and I can't wait to see it finished. We visited the cemetary the other day and Paige said she wanted to talk to Lexi so she got our of the car with me and was saying hello to her sister. We were just doing a short visit that day, because they had replanted new grass on her spot and I wanted to see how it was comming along. So I told Paige it was time to go back to the car and from my eye's Paige was just playing in the dirt. I yell "come on paige, stop playing in the dirt, we gotta go" Then Paige replies "But MOM I'm drawing Lexi a picture." My heart then softened and I let Paige finish "drawing" her picture for Lexi.

I've known this day was approaching and I knew I wanted to blog about my feelings, but I've had a hard time finding the words or knowing the right thing to say. These recent weeks I've been yearning and missing my baby girl more then anything. I'de do anything to just hold her again. Which I know I will beable to thanks to my knowledge of eternal families and the gospel I have in my life, but it doesn't take away the pain and want I feel now. My Lexi bear helps in those moments because I can hold her, but it's not the same. I know I need to continue to pray for my Heavenly Fathers strength to surpass this pain and focus on the many things I am grateful for and have right in front of me. I read a story recently in the Ensign October 2012 issue (a magazine the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day-Saints issues) and it was called Good things keep on coming by Caitlin A. Rush. The phrase that stuck out to me was "As someone who regrets the present turning so quickly into the past, I was grateful for the reminder to simply enjoy the moment and look to the future." Also, "Change is the Lord's way. He wants us to be happy and growing, to be excited to move on with our lives. Life is a journey, and while still enjoying the present and preparing for inevitable challenge's, we must move forward, remaining optimistic, our hearts open to the experiences and good things that are undoubtedly on their way."

This was something I needed to hear. I've felt like I've been stuck, mentally. Dwelling on the past and having a hard time moving forward. Even though I've physically been moving forward, by going back to work, and I just enrolled to start college in the spring to pursue my future. I feel days are just comming and going by a blinking of an eye and Alexis is disappearing. Not in my heart because she's constantly there, but everybody else just seems to be able to move forward and I have felt just so stuck. I don't like the present turning so quickly into the past. I want it to stay here longer. But change does have to happen and I know my Heavenly Father wants me to grow and be happy. Moving forward isn't going to mean I care about Lexi any less. So I need to continue with the journey, move forward and be optimistic because I know Heavenly Father will bless me and good things will keep on coming.