2 Months

 

 

Has it really been 2 months since the day I said hello and goodbye (for now) to my little Angel. I had to double check the calendar because I just can't believe that much time has already gone by. Reflecting back on the last two months I can say for the most part I'm happy. I'm a better mother and enjoy my children and apprechiate them so much more. In just the last week Josh and I have grown much closer to one another. He's been my anchor whenever I'm down. And I just love him so much. After going through this trial together and me returning back to work with new hours we don't really see eachother much till the weekend comes. This has made it so the time we do spend together is special and we really enjoy being around one another.

I've also gained some new friendships that I'm grateful for. And it has brought me closer to my ward family. I have loved my neighbors and ward since the moment we moved into our house a few years ago. Going through this has showed me that the people I thought were amazing are just even more amazing then I thought. They have been there for me and I'm so grateful for that.

One of the biggest changes I've faced though is my sleeping pattern is completely out of wack. I'll be tired, but I just lay there thinking for hours, either about lexi or stress and can't get my head to turn off so I can get some rest. But most days my kids will let me sleep in, and now that I'm working the closing shift I haven't really made an effert to effectively change my bad sleeping habits. I'm getting enough sleep so I can still function so I guess that's good for now.

I did want to write down about a few hard moments I had. The first one was actually when I was still pregnant with Lexi and it was a few weeks before I had Lexi. I had asked my mom to go shopping with me to find a sports bra (to help with the lactation after I had lexi) and I didn't want to go alone. I pretty much avoided shopping all together for the most part because it was hard walking through the baby clothes. The one day I did buy her things was okay, but other times when I knew I wouldn't need any of that stuff it was hard to see it and occationaly now I'll glance at the little girl baby clothes and have to walk away because it hurts to much. But on this day we went to JC Penny's first, I didn't quite find what I was looking for and wanted to do some more looking. So then we walked into Motherhood, I had been there a few times in the past when I was pregnant with my other two children and I remembered they had bras. I knew they had nursing bras, but I figured they might have a good sports bra to. So my mom and I walk in and we spot a sports bra so I'm checking it out when the sales clerk walks up to me and asks if we need help finding anything. I usually say no, but today I said yes I'm looking for a tight sports bra that will be comfortable to wear after I have my baby to help with lacation since I won't be nursing. And this is how she responds in a not very nice tone, "Why are you looking at nursing bras when your not even going to nurse?" I was dumbfound that that was her response. It came across that she was judgeing me for not choosing to nurse my baby and I was completely offended. After my mouth dropped open she say's "Well, you won't find anything here your going to have to go some where else." Really? Is that really how you treat your customers. I was just so shocked. The bra I was looking at I really did want to try on, I didn't care if it was for nursing, I still could have wore it, but after her responses I just walked out and left and honestly I don't think I'll ever go back to the store again. She really should have just said, "I'm sorry all we have are nursing bras, but you can try on one like this if you like and see if it's comfortable or you can check out penny's or sears and they may have what your looking for." That wouldn't have offended me one bit. That sales clerk didn't know my situation and had no right to judge me and basicly kick me out of her store because I was looking at nursing bras, but wasn't going to nurse.

But that wasn't the end of it, so then I go to Sears. I found I bra that I settled on and went to check out. I know Sears has there little sales pitch for there credit cards and I've heard it numerous times and it's no big deal, I'm in sales so I get it. But this sales clerk took it to far. Maybe I was on ice from just leaving Motherhood, but anyway she does her initial do you have a sear card? No I don't. If you get one you can save $10 today. No thanks, I'm using a gift card today anyway and I don't shop here enough for it to benefit me so no thank you. This is were most stop and just check you out, but she kept going....Yeah, but it could save you a lot of money for when you getting all your baby stuff. I was still polite, no thanks I won't need it. Then she offered something else I don't remember what it was, and at this point I wanted to yell, "My babies going to die, okay I don't need it!!!" But I held it in then she finally checked me out because my mom saw me getting bothered and stepped by me, then she still ended it with putting the information for me in the bag incase I change my mind. Anyway, the lady was pushing way to hard and I got so super annoyed and upset, and the second I walked into the parking lot I broke down in my moms arms. And then I knew why I was avoiding going out shopping while my belly was so obvious. At most places I would just smile and say yes it's a girl, I'm due in August, and all those normal answers to questioning strangers and that didn't bother me to much.

Since I've had her it's still hard occationally. I went into my doctors office to give him a thank you card and lexi's birth/death announcement and to give him a pic of him and lexi my photographer took. It was me and my two other kids. I knew it would feel weird walking in to the doctors office having just had a baby 4 weeks ago and comming in with no baby, but I prepared my self for that. And it did it felt very strange and I felt uncomfortable. Then since I was there I decided schedule my post pardom 6 week check up. So I go to the front desk to the girl that always helps me. She's always very nice. I tell her I need to schedule an appointment and she inicently responds "Will this be for you or the baby?" I was suprised at the response my body had. That little innocent sentence stung so bad. I hurried and responded just me, then looked over at my other two kids playing. Got my appointment scheduled and hurry and got out of there before I broke down in the waiting room. Luckily I made it to the door before the tears came flooding in.

Now that it's been a couple of months and since I publicly share this blog there's times I go out and see people look at me. Most of the time no ones probably really looking at me for any paticular reason, but sometimes with the looks it makes me wonder if my flys undone, if theres something in my teeth, if theres a burger hanging out of my nose, or if they just recognize me and know I'm the girl that's baby just died. Sometimes I want a sign on my back that say's, "Yes I'm the one who's baby just died." It's not always like that, people are so kind and I know they just probably don't know me personally and I know they probably don't know what to say. But if you see me out and about and know my story, even if I don't know you, I'd love to know that you know me and that you've read my story. It would be easier for me if you just came up to me and said Hi, my name is so and so. I've read your story about your baby girl. Then whatever else you may want to add to that. It'll just help me out so I know I'm not standing there looking funny with my fly down or something ;) I love talking about my little Angel. So please don't be afraid to talk to me about her or ask questions. I promise I don't bite :) I love my little Angel so much and talking about her helps me and makes me feel good. And hearing her story touch someone elses life makes me feel really good too.

I just felt I should say those things, because I'm a very real and honest person and maybe these stories will help others know how to react to someone elses situation. Of course there are women who don't want to talk about there loved one that died, but I think for the most part we all apprechiate the acknowledgement that our Angel is a part of our family forever and they aren't just a moment to be forgotten, they are also a life that deserved to be celebrated no matter how short it was.  

 

Dear Lexi,

 

I love you Alexis now and forever. I think about you and miss you everyday. But I think you already know that. I hope your Great Grandma and Grandpa Walker and your Great Grandpa Tanner are spoiling you rotten and taking care of you until I get to return to you some day. You've brought so much good into my life and changed me forever and I thank you for that. Your brother and sister also love you dearly and love visiting you at the cemetary and giving your picture kisses. Your daddy also loves you and misses you. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. I feel so honored and bless to have such a special spirit in my life.

 

Love,

Mom