My new dear friend....

Hey family and friends. Through my experience, from the very beginning I always said I wanted to reach out and help others in some way who are going through the samething or similar thing that I went through. And I hoped my blog would be a positive thing for them where they could feel the love we had for Lexi and the strength she's given my family. I mentioned before a friend of mine had a friend who had a friend whos going through the same thing I did just a short time ago and of course still going through. I've been able to talk to this mother Breanne, and I haven't told her this, but she's also been a strength for me. Reading her blog and stories remind me so much of myself just a short few months ago. She is also very strong and an amazing mother and person. If it hadn't been for Lexi I would have never been introduced to her. She's scheduled to bring her little Joy into this world on this week on Sept 20th. I just ask if your able to please keep Breanne and her family in your thoughts and prayers this week. I know it was all the prayers I got that helped give me strength and helped me feel the peace, love, comfort and strength that I felt on the day Lexi was born. Thank you so much for your continued support! And Breanne my thoughts and prayers are with you always! I can't wait till you get to meet your special angel!

If you would like to read her story her blog is http://ourjourneywithjoy.blogspot.com/.

Missing Lexi

Today started out like any normal day. My niece texted me and we took our kids to the Toddler Time at the library at 11am. I had fun. I'm glad I got my butt out of bed and went. I'll definitely be doing it more. Then it was time to take Paige to preschool. We were about to Paige's preschool and then Paige looks up from her "Where's Waldo" book she got from the library and goes, "Mom, what happened to Lexi's brain?" I was takin a little off guard and just responded with a simple answer that it didn't grow, so it didn't work. She responds, "but my brain grew, and Landens grew, and yours grew too huh? So were alive." I just told her yes thats correct. Then she sighs and goes, "Mom....I miss her a lot." I respond, "I miss her a lot too sweetie, do you think about her a lot." And Paige say's "YES I think about her AAALLLOOOOOT!! I think really really hard." And then I was about to loose it, but kept my tears inside cause we were now at her preschool. Once she saw her school she was distracted and happy again, because she loves school and just told me she loved me and hopped out the car and went into school. The moment she was out of my sight, I couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down. I was happy to know that Paige does think about her sister a lot and remembers her and loves her just like I do, but I was sad that I couldn't change what happened and I couldn't bring her little sister back to wipe away her sadness.

I do really good most of the time. I'm back to work so I'm super busy. But at unexpected moments is when it gets hard. I'm on a short break at work so I can't write more, but I just needed to write this down for Paige to remember and to have. Thanks for listening and letting me share these feelings with you.

House Decorations

My house has high cieling and used to have a whole lotta bare walls. Just didn't have a whole lot of things to cover them with. Now I have lots of stuff. Lexi kind of rules the house right now for a little bit, but I think that's okay.

The right is the front door entrance then opens up to my living room.

Special wall dedicated to just Lexi.

My dining room. Pictures of my other two adorable kids!

These flowers are dried flowers I took out of different flower arrangements that I got at Lexi's funeral and stuff. I love how it turned out and greatful to always have these special flowers with me!

My living room

The entertainment center. Used to have nothing on it! Now it's full. The blank frame on the left now has a pic of lexi in it, just didn't have the pic at the time. Then I have a baby pic of Paige and Landen up there also!

Love this! Lots of great memories of the last 8 years and now! Right now Lexi takes over this table as well! :)

Above my kitchen sink. All arrangements and plants I got from special friends and family. I'm nervous though cause I'm a plant killer, but they're beautiful!

This is one of my favorite things hanging on my wall. I got it from family and just had to put a pic of Lexi inside. I love it!

Lexi Bear

While I was pregnant Carolyn from my Angel Watch support group told me to have a special blanket or something that I would wrap Lexi in that I could then mail to her and she would make it into a teddy bear for my children and I to have and to hold whenever we needed. The picture above is the special blanket my mom bought that we wrapped lexi in that day and then later sent to Carolyn.

About 2 weeks later, the teddy bear arrived! We went to Rose's (social worker/angel watch rep in st. george) office to pick it up! We let Paige open up the box :)

Paige was so happy to see the bear. She instantly named it Lexi Bear! Which I thought was a perfect fit!

Landen was excited too, even though he looks funny here :)

We were all happy to have Lexi back with us in a special way.

Carolyn let me pick a message for the back of the bear. I had it read For my sister and brother Paige and Landen Alexis Ann 7/18/2012

This bear has been a major comforter many nights now. The first week or two I got it I probably slept with it every single night. It was amazing what comfort that little teddy bear could bring. It just felt good to have something of hers to hold in my arms and tuck under my arm to go to sleep at night when I was having a rough night. I don't sleep with it everynight anymore. I've been doing better, but I love that she's here whenever I have those times that I just need something to hold!

Thank you Carolyn! You are amazing and this gift if priceless!



Visiting Lexi at the Cemetary

I try to visit Alexis often. Most the time we stop and visit her on sunday afternoons on my way to or from my parents house on Sunday's since she's close to my parents house. It's hard going there sometimes, but other times if feels good to be there. I was out of town last sunday and we didn't go today, so now it's been a few weeks since I've been to the cemetary, which now feels like forever. But I wanted to write down a sweet story of what happend when we visited her a couple of weeks ago...

It was a Sunday evening and my daughter Paige had gotten a CTR (Choose the Right) bracelet from church that day that she was showing off to everybody. So the first thing she did when we got to the cemetary was she ran right up to lexi's tempary marker we have (not sure when we'll get a real one, can't afford one right now :( but hopefully it won't be forever till we can get one) Anyway, Paige runs up to her picture and say's "Hi Lexi, look at my new bracelet" And she was all smiles and giggles. Then Landen runs up behind Paige and also greets and say's "Hi Lexi, Love you" It melted my heart. We all told her hello and that we love her and miss her, then I sat down on the bench near by and was just watching my children. They were laughing and playing with one another, then Landen tripped by Lexi's grave and Paige goes, "Landen, Lexi tripped you" then they both started to laugh. I asked them if they were playing with they're little sister and they both said yes! Even though they know they're sister is dead, she still lives with in them and they still love her the same as if she was right there next to them in body and spirit. That melts my heart. After they were playing Landen kneeled down infront of Lexi's picture, grabbed the marker in both his hands, bent forward as low as he could and gave his baby sister a great big kiss!!! My children are amazing and I love them so much!

Alexis Ann's Funeral July 20th 2012

The morning of Lexi's funeral started out rough. My milk had come in and now my body was feeling the physical pain along with the emotional. But besides that the morning was peaceful and it was a beautiful day. I decided to do a graveside service for Lexi, right at the cemetary. While I was pregnant in the final weeks I worked on the prep work and planning for the services. I'm greatful I did that planning, though difficult, ahead of time because I had everything pretty much together and didn't have to do much for the actual service sence I had so much support and help from my sisters, sister in-laws and wonderful women from my ward in my church I attend. A week or so before I had lexi I let these wonderful women know what I needed and what ideas I had for the services and with there service and help they helped make it happen. There was a special song I wanted song and so my Relief Society president and visiting teacher helped me find some one to sing it. I wanted balloons for my two children to let go and they had someone in our ward who does balloons and she took care of that for me. And my amazing sister in law, josh's sister Tirsah, extended her wonderful talent of decorating with me. I gave her the ideas I had and poems and sayings I wanted and she ran away with it and made it all come together so beautifully and perfectly. And thank you so much to Josh's other sisters and family members that helped Tirsah also make it all possible. I couldn't have had such a beautiful service with out all the support and help I had from those around me. So thank you so much!

The display was breathtaking. When I drove up in my car it was the first thing I saw and I instantly felt spirit and love that was at the grave site.

The pink frame is the first verse to "Families can be together forever" primary song from the LDS Childrens song book. The frame with lexie's hand and foot prints is a beautiful poem a women in my ward wrote about a beautiful baby she had years ago still born and shared it with me. In the big black frame in the middle is a poem I found online that'd I'de like to share with you. It reads...

Angel in Heaven

There's a special Angel in Heaven

that is a part of me.

It is not where I wanted her

but where God wanted her to be.

She was here but just a moment

like a nighttime shooting star.

And though she is in heaven

she isn't very far.

She touched the hearts of many

like only an Angel can do.

We held her every minute

for the end we all knew.

So I send this special message

to the Heaven up above.

Please take care of my Angel

and send her all of my love.

-Author Unknown

This is the other table we had displayed. On the right side by the picture of Josh and Lexi I had them display a poem the hospital gave me. It reads...

A Father's Grief

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult

To be a man of grief

Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test.

And field the calls and visitors

So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright

And what she's going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, how are you?"

He hears her cry in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

And dries her tears and comforts her

But "Stays Strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave-

He lost his baby too.

This special blanket was used to take some pictures of Lexi at the hospital and was made special for her by a wonderful women in my ward who also many many years ago lost her own baby to Trisomy 13.

These are the precious molds of lexi's hands and feet that the hospital did for me. I love the separation inbetween her big and second toe, she gets that from me and and my dad's side of the family :)

My sister in law Rachel took many of these pictures at the funeral for me. She captured the display so beautifully. Pictures also from this post are from my sister Traci. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have any pictures. I took my camera to the hospital and to the funeral, but didn't take one single picture. You have so much going on, your not going to be thinking to snap pictures. So if your going through this plan ahead and designate people to take photos for you. Even if at the time you don't think you want pictures because it would be to hard to bare, I will still encourage you to have someone take pictures for you. You don't have to look at them right away if you don't want to, but days, weeks, months, or years down the road when your mind is foggy and you just can't remember, atleast you would have those photos to go back to to remember, when your ready to do so. I wouldn't want you to regret it later on in life. I've heard many stories of this happening to people and I can say I do not regret not once all the amazing photos and memories I have still because of these photos.

Just beautiful

Daddy carrying his baby girl, for the last time. A very special moment.

It was incredible, the sun was covered, but the exact moments Josh was carrying lexi and set her down it was like the heavens opened up and the sun was extremely bright and blazing on us. It was so bright and hot I instantly started sweating. But then a little while later after the opening prayer an over cast came in, so we could enjoy the services more comfortably even though it was still hot. But it stayed that way the rest of the time we were there.

The funeral director placing the flowers on lexi's casket. Flowers provided by Josh's loving family!

The bishop of my church conducted the services for us.

A picture of the inside of her program. McMillan Mortuary also took care of this for us.

The people that showed up to show us our love and support was amazing. Thank you.

My little brother was so nice to accept when I asked him if he could play his guitar and sing "Families can be together forever." He gladly excepted even though I know he was nervous. He hasn't really played in front of a big group and had to learn the song in just a couple of days. And the heat and humidity of St. George put his guitar out of key. So it was a little rough on him to start out, but he still did great. I know it's not an easy task to do that while your hot, emotional, and nervous. But thank you so much Tyson, your an amazing uncle for doing that for lexi. Love you!

The words to the song, first verse is...

1. I have a famly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

[Chorus]
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

After Tyson, my father, Lexi's Grandpa spoke for us.

I would like to share his talk with you....

None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges--and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened.

However, we are told, "Adam fell that men might be: and men are, that they might have joy."

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: "Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."

This world will bring upon us all many sorts of trials thru no fault of our own, maybe that is why we may be tempted to cry out "why me". It is for these times of great sorrow, pain and despair that we must exercise our faith in Jesus and pray for him to send us the Comforter.

A young mother, after having her first baby die at birth related,

Often I would sit down on the couch and cry, or fling myself on my bed and fall into a deep sleep, an escape from my fatigue and sorrow. I had not prayed in weeks, because expressing how I felt was so painful. Finally, deeply troubled by my grief, I reached out to the Lord in prayer. I wept and prayed for him to send the Comforter to end my misery.

The answer did not come immediately. But the despair I felt eased remarkably during the following weeks as I accepted the death of my baby and felt renewed faith flowing into my heart. My despair was replaced by a feeling of peace and calm, and with it my perspective on life altered dramatically. Things that would have bothered me prior to that summer seemed unimportant. The urgency to do this or that no longer tugged at me. It was as if by accepting death I had caught a glimpse of eternity beyond mortal life. I was drawn to read the third chapter of Ecclesiastes over and over again. My mind opened, and I understood,

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven;

"A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

"A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;.." [Eccl. 3:1-4]

I felt that time was not meant to be measured by a clock or a calendar; these things were merely tools to help us in our daily existence. Rather, time was meant to be marked by the significant events in our lives, both sad and happy. It is our lot to endure hardship when it comes and realize that this too shall pass. Waiting for the woulds to heal is, perhaps, the hardest part of all. What is significant is how well we succeed in enduring, and what we learn from the experience.

We were blessed with parenthood after five years of marriage. Our son Daniel was born in September of 1980, and Matthew was born August 1984. Both are normal, healthy boys. I know John and I are better parents because we lost our first child. We are more appreciative, more playful, more joyful, and more loving as a mother and a father. I am eternally thankful to the Lord for giving us these beautiful spirits to care for. I have become closer to my family, and I have become closer to the Lord; I am grateful for all the love and strength He gave me during that time. In surviving grief, going to work, and becoming a parent, I learned that joy can indeed emerge out of sorrow--in a wonderful variety of ways.

The words Joseph Smith are a comfort to those who have lost little ones,

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

Joseph Smith Jr., Teaching of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (1976), 196-97

His talk was perfect. Love you Dad!

After his amazing talk, Melissa from my ward sang a song for so beautifully. When preparing and looking for ideas online about infant graveside services I some how became lucky enough to come across a specially written version of "I am a Child of God" This is not the normal version that's sung all around the world and I have to idea who wrote this special version, but it was beautiful and perfect. I had it written on the back of the program.

Her voice was amazing and the words touched everyone there.

It was the first time I heard it sung and it couldn't have been more perfect.

After the song Josh got up and dedicated the grave. It was very touching and emotional. He did a wonderful job.

Very last we had Paige and Landen let go off three balloons each, they represent Lexi's special colors pink, purple and white.

My kids absolutely LOVE balloons. I was so afraid they would want to let them go. But before the servies I told them about the balloons and told them we weren't going to play with them, but they were special balloons. They were for Lexi, so when I told them when we were going to let the balloons go and float up to Heaven to be with baby sister. They said okay and were excited, but I didn't know if they would really do it when the time came.

But they proved me wrong. They did exactly what I told them to do. We counted to 3 and let the balloons go, paige let her's go first, then helped us count for landen.

It was such a special moment and the kids LOVED it and like to talk about it and look at the pictures. I've decided to make it a tradition that every year on Lexi's Birthday we will take balloons to her grave and release them to Heaven. And if we move or something cause you never know what life will bring and we can't make it to her grave, it's still something we could do at home in remembrance of her.

After the balloons, Paige went right to Lexi's casket and told her she loved her and gave her a big kiss! Such a good big sister!

Thank you to everyone who came to support me and my family.

I have the best family anyone could ask for.

A special moment my sister in-law Rachel caught on camera. I love it! Sisters Forever side by side!

Love this picture captured of my neices.

This women is amazing. She gave me incredible support through my journey and made my experience at the hospital a great one. You've heard her name before, she's Rose the social worker at the hospital down here in St. George. At the time Angel Watch my support group didn't have a representative down here to do face to face visits with so we just contacted eachother by phone and emails, which Carolyn you were amazing and helped me so much and I'll be forever greatful for you and your time, but Rose annouced to me at the funeral that she was offically now apart of Angel Watch and will be the representative in St. George, so now future moms down here will have that extra face to face support. I think that's incredible!

Love you Sis!

The mortuary also provided a sign in book for me. I thought that was great! This is my neice signing in, so cute!

We love you baby girl!

Me and my mom. She gives me great strength!

Josh and his mom. Judy your amazing and I thank you so much for making lexi's burial dress. So special!

Beautiful!

My sister Traci, her husband Mike and there adorable twin boys I love so much!

My dad, mom and little brother Tyson.

My oldest sister Jenn and her sweet daughters.

My older brother steven, his wife becca and there 3 kids.

Missing you...

My Grandma, Lexi's Great Grandma.

Sisters forever!

All my siblings where there to support me. Unbelievable, I love you guys so much!

My husbands from a family of 9 kids. He has 6 sisters and 2 brothers and we're scattered about, but all 6 sisters and his mother where there to support him. That's some amazing sisters! Josh and I are greatful for all of you and love you all so much!

Greatest blessing in this life is our family!

And we are blessed to have some of the greatest!

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

Thank you for capturing this last shot Rachel. (you weren't ease dropping, I love it) Everything had been cleaned up and it was just Josh and I have our last moments talking about how wonderful our little girl is!

Love this picture. This was the front of my program. And my sister in law got me the photo enlarged, that I now have hanging on my wall. Such a beautiful thing!