Picking out Lexi's Headstone

Starting this blog and sharing my story has blessed me time and time again. I've made a new friend and been able to help her (i hope;)) with preparing for the day her baby was going to be born with the same condition to now having to go through the pain and emotions after they're gone. I've also been touched by another complete stranger who came across my blog and read my story and was inspired to message me and tell me her and her husband wanted to help Josh and I to be able to get a headstone for Lexi. She was an answer to my prayers. Because of her and her husbands generosity I was able to go and pick out Lexi's headstone this week. I was so happy and excited, but wasn't quite sure where to begin. I don't have any experience in this department, which is a good thing, but this is truly a big decision and a really tough one. In your mind you just want it to be perfect.

So I started with the basics. I knew I had to get a flat marker because of the plot we picked out for lexi. I started looking online at grass markers. A lot of the stuff I saw online some looked kinda I duno the right word, but it wasn't fitting for me personally. I originally wanted to put her photo on it, but I was told on the flat markers they get run over by the lawn mower and the cemetarty doesn't like them particuarly because then there responsible to relace them. Another place showed me a way they do it that they shouldn't break, but I duno if she was just trying to sale me on it because thats the vibe I was getting (I'm in sales so I can kinda tell) And it was just extra money, so I decided to go with something different. If I was doing a upright one, I probably would have done a pic though. A friend from my Angel Watch group told me to call my cemetary and see what they do and they should be able to give me numbers of other places locally. When I called my cemetary he just told me they don't do anything with flat markers, he told me I could order locally or from somewhere else. When I asked what if I order online he started telling me the rules and at the point I didn't want to write any of it down, so finding a local monument place was my answer. I found two here in St. George. After visiting and asking questions to both, like costs, what kind of designs can you do, what type of stone to use, ect. I chose to go with the family owned business of Utah Monument. When they helped me they just seemed like they truly cared about me and my little girl and they were more personable. A dad and son helped me, the fathers mother had just passed away last week and she was the one who started this business and they just seemed more passionate about there work and what they do in honor of her. The other place was nice, but I felt a little more pressure and more like they were trying to get me to choose what they wanted me to choose and they were more pricey.

Anyway I did that driving around on Teusday. Wednesday Josh and I made are decision who to use and I knew what I wanted to do and went back to Utah Monument to place the order and make it happen. I also have to say Thank you to my mom and dad. They made it possible so we could add on a metal flower vase that will be in the cement above her marker in the center so we can bring lexi flowers a little easier. After placing my order I left and out of no where my emotions were started to go haywire. There was something different about just looking around and asking questions, to actually ordering the headstone. It made the reality sink in again and made me very emotional. Let's just say I was sobbing like a little girl. Mostly from a mix of emotions. Missing Lexi and wishing she was here, but so greatful and happy I could do this little piece of the puzzle which is much needed for a grieving mother, and stress with just the everyday life and how the economy is right now. It just all hit me at once.

But I survived that night and the next morning I go a call from Utah Monument. They said the design could take a week and then bam they call me the next day and say well your designs ready! The son told he actually started working on it the moment I left. They have a lot going on with how his grandmother just passed away and his dad's busy and of course it got them a little behind, so since he was waiting for his dad on some bigger projects he had the perfect opening to stay busy and work on mine. I wasn't disappointed at all. I was happy to go in and see how the design came together.

Here's a pic of the design.

I love how it turned out! It's pretty much how I pictured it. Everything on it has lots of meaning to us. And here's how I got my inspiration.

As some of my facebook friends know this is a necklace my sister inlaw Becca gave me. It say's A Moment A Our Arms, A Lifetime in our Hearts and there's baby footprints in the middle. So I shorted that saying to Moment in our arms, Forever in our hearts. And for the footprints on there I took a copy of Lexi's foot prints and they outlined it so it's her actual size.

For her name I had to throw "Lexi" in there because that's what we always call her. Just like her bear is Lexi bear.

Then I wanted Christ or something on there if I could and most clipart wasn't my favorite, then I just happened to get so lucky that Utah Monument had this exact image. It was on Lexi's program and I had a larger image in my home, so it was Perfect!!!

Then last but not least I had them put Josh & Amber's Angel. My same friend from Angel Watch had something like that on her little girls headstone and it was just perfect. That's exactly what lexi is to us. When we talk to our kids we talk about how she's our Angel. So it was perfect!!

They said they should have the stone done in a week, but then they have to put the cement around it and the flower hole and so it takes about a month to get to the cemetary! But they will call me next week when the engraving is done. I'm excited to see how it turns out!

And a question to anyone that may know this. If you walk around the cemetary you see how dirty these precious stones can get, with the hard water and heat and all. Utah Monument told me when it's new putting baby oil on it can help with the hard water and just trying to make sure you remember to keep doing that every once and awhile. Does anyone else have any suggestions or know how to keep these things clean the best you can?

2 Months

 

 

Has it really been 2 months since the day I said hello and goodbye (for now) to my little Angel. I had to double check the calendar because I just can't believe that much time has already gone by. Reflecting back on the last two months I can say for the most part I'm happy. I'm a better mother and enjoy my children and apprechiate them so much more. In just the last week Josh and I have grown much closer to one another. He's been my anchor whenever I'm down. And I just love him so much. After going through this trial together and me returning back to work with new hours we don't really see eachother much till the weekend comes. This has made it so the time we do spend together is special and we really enjoy being around one another.

I've also gained some new friendships that I'm grateful for. And it has brought me closer to my ward family. I have loved my neighbors and ward since the moment we moved into our house a few years ago. Going through this has showed me that the people I thought were amazing are just even more amazing then I thought. They have been there for me and I'm so grateful for that.

One of the biggest changes I've faced though is my sleeping pattern is completely out of wack. I'll be tired, but I just lay there thinking for hours, either about lexi or stress and can't get my head to turn off so I can get some rest. But most days my kids will let me sleep in, and now that I'm working the closing shift I haven't really made an effert to effectively change my bad sleeping habits. I'm getting enough sleep so I can still function so I guess that's good for now.

I did want to write down about a few hard moments I had. The first one was actually when I was still pregnant with Lexi and it was a few weeks before I had Lexi. I had asked my mom to go shopping with me to find a sports bra (to help with the lactation after I had lexi) and I didn't want to go alone. I pretty much avoided shopping all together for the most part because it was hard walking through the baby clothes. The one day I did buy her things was okay, but other times when I knew I wouldn't need any of that stuff it was hard to see it and occationaly now I'll glance at the little girl baby clothes and have to walk away because it hurts to much. But on this day we went to JC Penny's first, I didn't quite find what I was looking for and wanted to do some more looking. So then we walked into Motherhood, I had been there a few times in the past when I was pregnant with my other two children and I remembered they had bras. I knew they had nursing bras, but I figured they might have a good sports bra to. So my mom and I walk in and we spot a sports bra so I'm checking it out when the sales clerk walks up to me and asks if we need help finding anything. I usually say no, but today I said yes I'm looking for a tight sports bra that will be comfortable to wear after I have my baby to help with lacation since I won't be nursing. And this is how she responds in a not very nice tone, "Why are you looking at nursing bras when your not even going to nurse?" I was dumbfound that that was her response. It came across that she was judgeing me for not choosing to nurse my baby and I was completely offended. After my mouth dropped open she say's "Well, you won't find anything here your going to have to go some where else." Really? Is that really how you treat your customers. I was just so shocked. The bra I was looking at I really did want to try on, I didn't care if it was for nursing, I still could have wore it, but after her responses I just walked out and left and honestly I don't think I'll ever go back to the store again. She really should have just said, "I'm sorry all we have are nursing bras, but you can try on one like this if you like and see if it's comfortable or you can check out penny's or sears and they may have what your looking for." That wouldn't have offended me one bit. That sales clerk didn't know my situation and had no right to judge me and basicly kick me out of her store because I was looking at nursing bras, but wasn't going to nurse.

But that wasn't the end of it, so then I go to Sears. I found I bra that I settled on and went to check out. I know Sears has there little sales pitch for there credit cards and I've heard it numerous times and it's no big deal, I'm in sales so I get it. But this sales clerk took it to far. Maybe I was on ice from just leaving Motherhood, but anyway she does her initial do you have a sear card? No I don't. If you get one you can save $10 today. No thanks, I'm using a gift card today anyway and I don't shop here enough for it to benefit me so no thank you. This is were most stop and just check you out, but she kept going....Yeah, but it could save you a lot of money for when you getting all your baby stuff. I was still polite, no thanks I won't need it. Then she offered something else I don't remember what it was, and at this point I wanted to yell, "My babies going to die, okay I don't need it!!!" But I held it in then she finally checked me out because my mom saw me getting bothered and stepped by me, then she still ended it with putting the information for me in the bag incase I change my mind. Anyway, the lady was pushing way to hard and I got so super annoyed and upset, and the second I walked into the parking lot I broke down in my moms arms. And then I knew why I was avoiding going out shopping while my belly was so obvious. At most places I would just smile and say yes it's a girl, I'm due in August, and all those normal answers to questioning strangers and that didn't bother me to much.

Since I've had her it's still hard occationally. I went into my doctors office to give him a thank you card and lexi's birth/death announcement and to give him a pic of him and lexi my photographer took. It was me and my two other kids. I knew it would feel weird walking in to the doctors office having just had a baby 4 weeks ago and comming in with no baby, but I prepared my self for that. And it did it felt very strange and I felt uncomfortable. Then since I was there I decided schedule my post pardom 6 week check up. So I go to the front desk to the girl that always helps me. She's always very nice. I tell her I need to schedule an appointment and she inicently responds "Will this be for you or the baby?" I was suprised at the response my body had. That little innocent sentence stung so bad. I hurried and responded just me, then looked over at my other two kids playing. Got my appointment scheduled and hurry and got out of there before I broke down in the waiting room. Luckily I made it to the door before the tears came flooding in.

Now that it's been a couple of months and since I publicly share this blog there's times I go out and see people look at me. Most of the time no ones probably really looking at me for any paticular reason, but sometimes with the looks it makes me wonder if my flys undone, if theres something in my teeth, if theres a burger hanging out of my nose, or if they just recognize me and know I'm the girl that's baby just died. Sometimes I want a sign on my back that say's, "Yes I'm the one who's baby just died." It's not always like that, people are so kind and I know they just probably don't know me personally and I know they probably don't know what to say. But if you see me out and about and know my story, even if I don't know you, I'd love to know that you know me and that you've read my story. It would be easier for me if you just came up to me and said Hi, my name is so and so. I've read your story about your baby girl. Then whatever else you may want to add to that. It'll just help me out so I know I'm not standing there looking funny with my fly down or something ;) I love talking about my little Angel. So please don't be afraid to talk to me about her or ask questions. I promise I don't bite :) I love my little Angel so much and talking about her helps me and makes me feel good. And hearing her story touch someone elses life makes me feel really good too.

I just felt I should say those things, because I'm a very real and honest person and maybe these stories will help others know how to react to someone elses situation. Of course there are women who don't want to talk about there loved one that died, but I think for the most part we all apprechiate the acknowledgement that our Angel is a part of our family forever and they aren't just a moment to be forgotten, they are also a life that deserved to be celebrated no matter how short it was.  

 

Dear Lexi,

 

I love you Alexis now and forever. I think about you and miss you everyday. But I think you already know that. I hope your Great Grandma and Grandpa Walker and your Great Grandpa Tanner are spoiling you rotten and taking care of you until I get to return to you some day. You've brought so much good into my life and changed me forever and I thank you for that. Your brother and sister also love you dearly and love visiting you at the cemetary and giving your picture kisses. Your daddy also loves you and misses you. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. I feel so honored and bless to have such a special spirit in my life.

 

Love,

Mom

My new dear friend....

Hey family and friends. Through my experience, from the very beginning I always said I wanted to reach out and help others in some way who are going through the samething or similar thing that I went through. And I hoped my blog would be a positive thing for them where they could feel the love we had for Lexi and the strength she's given my family. I mentioned before a friend of mine had a friend who had a friend whos going through the same thing I did just a short time ago and of course still going through. I've been able to talk to this mother Breanne, and I haven't told her this, but she's also been a strength for me. Reading her blog and stories remind me so much of myself just a short few months ago. She is also very strong and an amazing mother and person. If it hadn't been for Lexi I would have never been introduced to her. She's scheduled to bring her little Joy into this world on this week on Sept 20th. I just ask if your able to please keep Breanne and her family in your thoughts and prayers this week. I know it was all the prayers I got that helped give me strength and helped me feel the peace, love, comfort and strength that I felt on the day Lexi was born. Thank you so much for your continued support! And Breanne my thoughts and prayers are with you always! I can't wait till you get to meet your special angel!

If you would like to read her story her blog is http://ourjourneywithjoy.blogspot.com/.

Missing Lexi

Today started out like any normal day. My niece texted me and we took our kids to the Toddler Time at the library at 11am. I had fun. I'm glad I got my butt out of bed and went. I'll definitely be doing it more. Then it was time to take Paige to preschool. We were about to Paige's preschool and then Paige looks up from her "Where's Waldo" book she got from the library and goes, "Mom, what happened to Lexi's brain?" I was takin a little off guard and just responded with a simple answer that it didn't grow, so it didn't work. She responds, "but my brain grew, and Landens grew, and yours grew too huh? So were alive." I just told her yes thats correct. Then she sighs and goes, "Mom....I miss her a lot." I respond, "I miss her a lot too sweetie, do you think about her a lot." And Paige say's "YES I think about her AAALLLOOOOOT!! I think really really hard." And then I was about to loose it, but kept my tears inside cause we were now at her preschool. Once she saw her school she was distracted and happy again, because she loves school and just told me she loved me and hopped out the car and went into school. The moment she was out of my sight, I couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down. I was happy to know that Paige does think about her sister a lot and remembers her and loves her just like I do, but I was sad that I couldn't change what happened and I couldn't bring her little sister back to wipe away her sadness.

I do really good most of the time. I'm back to work so I'm super busy. But at unexpected moments is when it gets hard. I'm on a short break at work so I can't write more, but I just needed to write this down for Paige to remember and to have. Thanks for listening and letting me share these feelings with you.

House Decorations

My house has high cieling and used to have a whole lotta bare walls. Just didn't have a whole lot of things to cover them with. Now I have lots of stuff. Lexi kind of rules the house right now for a little bit, but I think that's okay.

The right is the front door entrance then opens up to my living room.

Special wall dedicated to just Lexi.

My dining room. Pictures of my other two adorable kids!

These flowers are dried flowers I took out of different flower arrangements that I got at Lexi's funeral and stuff. I love how it turned out and greatful to always have these special flowers with me!

My living room

The entertainment center. Used to have nothing on it! Now it's full. The blank frame on the left now has a pic of lexi in it, just didn't have the pic at the time. Then I have a baby pic of Paige and Landen up there also!

Love this! Lots of great memories of the last 8 years and now! Right now Lexi takes over this table as well! :)

Above my kitchen sink. All arrangements and plants I got from special friends and family. I'm nervous though cause I'm a plant killer, but they're beautiful!

This is one of my favorite things hanging on my wall. I got it from family and just had to put a pic of Lexi inside. I love it!

Lexi Bear

While I was pregnant Carolyn from my Angel Watch support group told me to have a special blanket or something that I would wrap Lexi in that I could then mail to her and she would make it into a teddy bear for my children and I to have and to hold whenever we needed. The picture above is the special blanket my mom bought that we wrapped lexi in that day and then later sent to Carolyn.

About 2 weeks later, the teddy bear arrived! We went to Rose's (social worker/angel watch rep in st. george) office to pick it up! We let Paige open up the box :)

Paige was so happy to see the bear. She instantly named it Lexi Bear! Which I thought was a perfect fit!

Landen was excited too, even though he looks funny here :)

We were all happy to have Lexi back with us in a special way.

Carolyn let me pick a message for the back of the bear. I had it read For my sister and brother Paige and Landen Alexis Ann 7/18/2012

This bear has been a major comforter many nights now. The first week or two I got it I probably slept with it every single night. It was amazing what comfort that little teddy bear could bring. It just felt good to have something of hers to hold in my arms and tuck under my arm to go to sleep at night when I was having a rough night. I don't sleep with it everynight anymore. I've been doing better, but I love that she's here whenever I have those times that I just need something to hold!

Thank you Carolyn! You are amazing and this gift if priceless!



Visiting Lexi at the Cemetary

I try to visit Alexis often. Most the time we stop and visit her on sunday afternoons on my way to or from my parents house on Sunday's since she's close to my parents house. It's hard going there sometimes, but other times if feels good to be there. I was out of town last sunday and we didn't go today, so now it's been a few weeks since I've been to the cemetary, which now feels like forever. But I wanted to write down a sweet story of what happend when we visited her a couple of weeks ago...

It was a Sunday evening and my daughter Paige had gotten a CTR (Choose the Right) bracelet from church that day that she was showing off to everybody. So the first thing she did when we got to the cemetary was she ran right up to lexi's tempary marker we have (not sure when we'll get a real one, can't afford one right now :( but hopefully it won't be forever till we can get one) Anyway, Paige runs up to her picture and say's "Hi Lexi, look at my new bracelet" And she was all smiles and giggles. Then Landen runs up behind Paige and also greets and say's "Hi Lexi, Love you" It melted my heart. We all told her hello and that we love her and miss her, then I sat down on the bench near by and was just watching my children. They were laughing and playing with one another, then Landen tripped by Lexi's grave and Paige goes, "Landen, Lexi tripped you" then they both started to laugh. I asked them if they were playing with they're little sister and they both said yes! Even though they know they're sister is dead, she still lives with in them and they still love her the same as if she was right there next to them in body and spirit. That melts my heart. After they were playing Landen kneeled down infront of Lexi's picture, grabbed the marker in both his hands, bent forward as low as he could and gave his baby sister a great big kiss!!! My children are amazing and I love them so much!